New: McDonnell
Warranty Card www.schiratti.com/mdcwarranty.html
Sources: Various e-mails,
posts as well as the Fliegermagazin "Rodscher"
Column. Reformatted for better reading.
---
Problem:
Guns will not fire / Bombs will not drop / etc:
Solution: Short circuit between
stick and seat
Problem:
Compass stuck
Solution: Percussion adjustment
carried out -- compass now unstuck
Problem:
Passenger vomited in cockpit
Solution: Passenger made to clean it
up
Problem:
Pilot's holdall jammed under seat
Solution: Seat raised and holdall
removed
Problem:
(2 weeks after deployment to St Dizier, France)
Strange smell coming from fuselage area
Solution: Removed 2 boxes of smelly
French cheese from the ammo tank
Problem:
(1 week after deployment to RAF Lossiemouth, Scotland)
Strange smell coming from fuselage area again
Solution: Removed 4 whole Salmon
from the ammo tank
Problem:
Canopy jammed with pilot in cockpit
Solution: Should have left him there
to avoid smells coming from fuselage
Source: John Taylor
---
ATC:
Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South
via Tango check for workers along taxiway
AZA: Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango.
Workers checked - all are working
---
ARN851:
"Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000
for 10,000, requesting runway 15."
Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova
851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he
wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect
runway 06."
---
(busy) Moncton
Center: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct
Chibougamau"
BAW169: "I'm sorry, sir, can
you repeat that?"
CZQM: "Speedbird 169 cleared
direct Yankee Mike Tango"
BAW169: "Direct Yankee Mike
Tango for Speedbird 169. What was that name again?"
CZQM: "It's called Chibougamau"
BAW169: "Would you say again,
please?"
CZQM: "Chibougamau. I say again,
Chibougamau!"
BAW169: "Oh, how quaint. What
does it mean?"
CZQM: "It's eskimo for f--- off!"
---
ACA1147:
"Moncton, Air Canada 1147, can you get the winds
from 167 above us?"
CZQM: "As soon as I get a
chance, I will."
(some time passes with continuous radio chatter)
ACA1147: "Moncton, 1147, what
are his winds up there?"
CZQM: "Standby for that, please"
(more radio chatter)
ACA1147: "Moncton, can you ask
company 167 for his winds?"
CZQM: "Ok, 1147 and 167, I have
a little too much to do for that sort of thing right
now. I'll leave it up to you guys to go over to
company frequency and pass winds."
---
Aurora:
"Moncton, TRIALS08, we'll be working VFR at 4,500,
loitering over the city of Saint John for about the
next 10-15 minutes. We'd like radar flight following."
CZQM: "TRIALS08, roger, you're
radar identified. Are you aware the city has bylaws
against loitering?"
Aurora: "Ah... roger that"
---
(check the callsign
of the answering aircraft)
CZQM: "Nova 895 contact Moncton
on 127.12"
ARN871: "Over to 127.12, for
Nova 871. We'll talk to you later."
CZQM: "Maybe sooner than you
think."
(a few seconds pass...)
ARN871: "Uh, Moncton, they didn't
want to talk to us on 127.12..."
CZQM: "See what I mean?"
---
Lost student
pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150
circling overhead, identify yourself."
---
NY Ctr:
"Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three
one zero, expect lower in ten miles."
FedEx 235: "Okay, outta three
five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five."
NY Ctr: "Delta fahv twuntee,
climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah..."
Delta 520: "Uhh... up to one
niner zero, Delta five twenty."
NY Ctr: "Al-italia wonna sixxa,
you slowa to two-a-fifty, please."
Alitalia 16: "HEY! You makea
funna Alitalia?!"
NY Ctr: "Oh, no! I make-a funna
Delta anna FedEx!"
---
Tower:
Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR
---
Cont:
"AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R.
You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final;
reduce speed to 130 knots."
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're
bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty
knots fer ya."
Cont: (a few moments later): "AF33,
helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead
of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining
this here bird back further to 110 knots"
Cont: "AF33, you are three
miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile
ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir,
do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130
is?"
Cont: "No, but if you ask your
co-pilot, he can probably tell you."
---
Tower: 95
Delta, do you read the tower?
95D: 675, sir
Tower: 95 Delta, Say Again
95D: I think it is 675.
Tower: 95 Delta, What do you mean by 675?
95D: I mean I think I read "Elevation
675 feet" on the tower as I taxied by for
takeoff, but I am too far away to read it now.
Tower: 95 Delta, you are cleared to land.
Please give the tower a call ON THE TELEPHONE after
you have tied down.
---
PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, traffic is a
Cherokee just entering downwind from the left 45."
Mooney 23D: "Uhhh, tower, 23D...only
traffic I see is a Cessna."
(pause)
PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, follow
your traffic directly ahead, an, um, inverted
Cherokee just abeam the numbers." :)
---
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and
go."
Tower: "XAA is cleared touch
and go, 29".
(several long circuits later)
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29,
touch and go"
Tower: "F-XAA is cleared touch
and go, 29. How many more circuits were you planning
on making?"
Tomahawk: "We though we'd make
one or two more."
Tower: "Roger. I just wondered
because we were calculating your landing fees, and
you're up to $13,000 now."
(long delay)
Tomahawk: "THAT WAS OUR LAST ONE!!!!!"
(another long delay)
Tower: "Just kidding. Next time,
read your flight supplement."
---
7MA:
Cessna 187MA is 5 NE, landing, with the numbers.
HYA: Roger 7MA, make straight-in
runway 22. Say type landing.
7MA: We're a Cessna 182.
HYA: Negative, say *type* landing.
7MA: Uh, 7MA is a Cessna 182 slant
Uniform.
HYA: 7MA, I say again, say **type**
landing.
7MA: (Silence) A good one I hope.
---
Control: You're
unreadable, say again.
Motor-glider: I've turned off the
engine, is that better?
Control: (looong pause)
---
ATC: "Cessna
G-ARER What are your intentions? "
Cessna: "To get my Commercial
Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five
minutes not years."
---
Controller:
AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a
single ship.
Controller: oooohhh! You
have traffic!
---
Controller: "Speedbird 12, are
you a heading?"
Pilot: "We are always a heading."
---
Korean Air 1234 : "Please say
runway and brake situation".
Auckland Tower : "Previously
landed Beech twin prop reported half an inch of
standing water on runway, no report on braking
effectiveness as brakes not required".
Korean Air 1234 : "Ehhh...
Say again...".
Auckland Tower : "Previously
landed aircraft says did not need to use brakes, ten
to fifteen millimeter deep water on runway".
Korean Air 1234 : "Ah ! Thank
you !".
---
O'Hare
Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway
32L approach, maintain speed 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach,
how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way
to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better
warn ground control.
---
ATC:
Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me
in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000
inches on QNH 1019
---
Cessna 152:
"Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact
Houston Space Center"
---
727 pilot: "Do you know it costs us two
thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"
Controller: "Roger, give me
four thousand dollars worth."
---
Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want
me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not
hungry.
---
Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm
over a lake and heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90
degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
(short pause)...
Controller: "Okay then. That
lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
the big W immediately ..."
---
Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with
you at 12,000' and 40 DME."
Approach: "Acme 202, cross 30
DME at and maintain 8000'."
Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable
that descent rate."
Approach: "What's the matter
202? Don't you have speed brakes?"
Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my
mistakes. Not yours."
---
Tower: "...and for your
information, you were slightly to the left of the
centerline on that approach."
Speedbird: "That's correct; and,
my First Officer was slightly to the right"
---
A deer is on
the runway... so...
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Student: "What should I do?
What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you
should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward
him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds
position.)
Tower:
Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What
should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you
should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe
I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer
down here on the runway.
(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position.
Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence --
the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into
the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for
departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence,
departing deer.
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling
straight for take-off.
---
Tower:
"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern
702 switching to departure...by the way as we lifted
off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."
Tower: "National 63 cleared for
takeoff...did you copy the report from Eastern?"
National 63: "Roger, Tower,
cleared for takeoff... yes, we've already notified
our caterers."
---
Controller: "USA353 (sic)
contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact
Cleveland Center 135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just
like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553,
maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a
better response!"
---
Pilot: "Approach, Federated 303's
with at 8000' for vectors ILS, full stop.
Approach: "Unable Federated 303.
The ILS is out of service."
Pilot: "We'll take the VOR then."
Approach: "Sir, the VOR's in
alarm right now. Standby."
Pilot: "OK, guess it'll have to
be the ADF then."
Approach: "303, unable the ADF
right now for traffic saturation."
Pilot: "OK, approach. State my
intentions."
---
ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet,
one hundred fifty knots indicated."
---
Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to
4000 ft for noise abatement"
Pilot: "How can I possibly be
creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"
Tower: "At 4000 ft you will
miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is
bound to avoid one hell of a racket".
---
Pilot with Southern drawl: Birdseed
Approach, Barnburner 123 with ya at seven thousand,
with Information -- excuse the expression -- Yankee.
---
BB: "Barnburner 123, Request
8300 feet."
Bay Approach: "Barnburner 123,
say reason for requested altitude."
BB: "Because the last 2 times I've
been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo
at 8500 feet going the wrong way!"
Bay: "That's a good reason.
8300 approved."
---
Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra
Academy. Taxi, Destination Stockton
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved,
report leaving the airport
---
Controller: "FAR1234 confirm your type
of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?"
Pilot: "A340 of course!"
Controller: "Then would you
mind switching on the two other engines and give me a
1000 feet per minute, please?"
---
Controller: "AAL235 contact tower on
117.30"
Pilot: "Roger, tower on 123.50"
---
Controller: "Air Force 53, it
appears your engine has... oh... disregard, I see you've
already ejected."
---
Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this
is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS 16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten
Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm and by the way:
this is Wien Tower."
Pilot: (short break) "Bratislava
Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger,
and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot: (short break again) "Confirm,
this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me,
this is Vienna!
Pilot: (once again short break)
"But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to
Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger.
Discontinue approach, turn left and climb to 5000
feet, vectors to Bratislava."
---
Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa
5680, reduce to 170 knots."
Pilot: "This is here like
Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But
we are flexible."
Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173
knots."
---
Lufthansa-Pilot (Im Anflug auf Berlin
kurz nach dem Brünkendorf VOR): "Warum holen
Sie uns denn schon so früh so weit runter? Sie
wissen doch, daß das Fliegen in derart niedriger
Höhe für uns sehr unwirtschaftlich ist.'"
Controller. "Ja, Sie müssen schon
entschuldigen, aber wir haben sehr viel Verkehr von
Tegel aus in Ihre Richtung, und mit dem könnten Sie
dann zusammenstoßen."
Pilot: "Na, das wäre ja noch viel
unwirtschaftlicher."
---
Pilot: "... request heading to
avoid."
Controller: "To avoid what?"
Pilot: "To avoid further delay."
---
Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the
same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago
?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's
only the same pilot."
---
Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn
right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343,
344, 345..."
---
Pilot Trainee: "Tower, please
speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in
the cockpit"
---
Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar climb
four thousand to six thousand and maintain."
Pilot: "Hotel Papa Oscar,
climbing flight level 100."
Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb
to flight level 60 and maintain."
Pilot: "But four plus six is
ten, isn't it?"
Tower: "You should climb, not
add up."
---
A beautiful summer day with good thermals,
near Billund airport, Denmark:
Billund ATC: "Gliders 82 and D5,
state position and altitude?"
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet."
D5: "Same position, same
altitude."
ATC (cool, dry voice): "So
should I go get my collision report form??"
---
München II Tower: "LH 8610
cleared for take-off."
Pilot (LH 8610): "But we are
not even landed."
Tower: Yes, who is then standing at
26 south ? "
Pilot (LH 8801): "LH 8801."
Tower: "OK, then you are
cleared for take-off."
---
London Controller: "CBN438 you
are cleared direct Dover VOR."
Pilot: "Roger, copy cleared
direct Kosky VOR."
Controller: "Ok, cleared direct
Kosky VOR."
---
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around,
there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot
continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO
AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the
numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of
the runway, goes around the twin and
continues to the taxiway.
---
Tower: "Mission 123, do you
have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my
compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are
flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"
---
Controller: "CRX600, are you on
course to SUL?"
Pilot: "More or less."
Controller: "So proceed a
little bit more to SUL."
---
Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt
ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back,
please."
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up
in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two
hours delay?"
Tower: "Affirmative."
Pilot: "In that case, cancel
the good morning!"
---
Pilot: "FLX 30, we just have a
few gallons of fuel."
Tower: "Please give us your
position, we dont see you at the radar!"
Pilot: "We are standing at
runway 2 and want to know, when the fuel truck will
come!"
---
<big time eye-roll collection>
Do you have Charlie?
Negative, we left him back at the hanger!
Do you have Echo?
Negative, recieving you loud and clear!
Do you have Hotel?
Negative, We are staying with friends!
Do you have Juliet?
Negative, and please don't say anything to my wife!
Do you have Kilo?
Negative, but I think there a couple roaches in the
ashtray!
Do you have Mike?
Negative, I have a push-to-talk button and a headset!
Do you have Oscar?
Negative, but I'm expecting a nomination this year!
Do you have Popa?
Negative, but I wrote him a letter last week!
Do you have Romeo?
Negative, Negative! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Do you have Uniform?
Negative, just jeans and sweatshirt!
Do you have Victor?
Negative, Who is Victor?
Do you have Xray?
Negative, my doctor wants a CAT Scan!
Do you have Whiskey?
Negative, not in last 8 hours, Am I not on assigned
heading?
---
Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery:
"GAF269, you are cleared to destination Indian
Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet
thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass
BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet
turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct
ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation read
back."
GAF 269: "Roger German Air
Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs
via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet
thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass
BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet
turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct
ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation and I
need another pencil."
---
A classic, sounds like an average day answering bug
reports:
Here are some actual maintenance complaints
submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from
the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are
problem listings that pilots generally leave for
maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs
replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very
rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this
aircraft."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right
main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after
brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Noise behind left panels. Sounds like a
little man with hammer.
Solution: Took hammer from little man.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a
200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to
stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.
Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly
right and be serious
Problem: Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words